I finished the school year thinking that I could maybe get someone to come a couple hours a day to be with my mother-it is becoming more and more obvious that she needs some supervision.
She eats peanut butter and jelly on toast and drinks hot tea. When I cook she will eat only a few bites and then an hour later will fix herself tea with toast. She doesn't remember to take medicine anymore. She wandered in the middle of the night.
Well, this last week she has been a wreck. She asked me when she was going back home to Pennsylvania. (She and I bought the house together and it's in Pennsylvania.) She doesn't remember where things are in the cabinet (like food) She will wrap up leftovers in a napkin and save them on her tray for later. One day I found both of her jelly jars in the cabinet instead of the refrigerator. It has become obvious that she needs supervision.
As a result I have the rest of the summer to find a placement for het. That means I need someone to care for my son before and after school. It means I need to get the house ready to sell-good possibility I can't afford to stay there too long after she moves out. And it means that I have to hurry up and decide whether or not I am going to change my job-I have an interview on July 14. I don't think they will be paying enough but I'm going because it is what I want to be doing.
"Trust in the Lord, and lean not on thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct thy path." Heard that on the cd player yesterday. It is something I really need to do with all that is happening. I sure don't know what to do.
Lord, last year it felt like You were jerking me around with different jobs openings-none of which worked out. Once again this year you have brought jobs to my attention. Why????? What do you want me to do? Give me wisdom in making choices. Put me where you want me. Please make it very clear what You want me to do. Lead me to a better way of caring for my mother. Help me trust You with my life. Amen.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Mercy Me
On Saturday, June 7 Mercy Me performed at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. I had my son with me-left my mother at home. She wasn't happy but it was 90+ degrees out that day and a lot of walking which she is not good at.
I had my son in his wheelchair so we went up to the wheelchair spaces. I planned to sit in front of him on the bench. He was in the sun and it was very hot. My son is blonde and light skinned and burns easily. I tried moving into the shade and lost my seat. So I had to stand for most of the concert. Didn't help my attitude a lot. The first performers were "Tenth Avenue North" They were good but not thrilling especially since I was standing. Then Mercy Me came on. I know a lot of their songs so that helped to change my attitude as I got into the familiar music.
I don't remember what was said about the song "Bring the Rain," but whatever it was set me to thinking about the rain. My life is filled with it. I have been really angry I guess is a good word about my mother. At my ex-husband who in many ways precipitated the living arrangements by not paying child support regularly. At my mother for developing Alzheimer's. At myself for agreeing to buy a house with my mother knowing what could happen.
The anger spills over constantly into everything I say to my mother. She then becomes upset and wishes she were dead. And as a terrible daughter in my mind I think "I wish you were dead too." Can you imagine the guilt? If you are living with it probably you can.
Anyway, the song and what Mercy Me said really hit home. Do I just put up with it all? or do I find a way to glorify God through the rain? Listen to the song and pay attention to the words. Let them fill your spirit and change you for the better. The rain won't stop coming and it won't be easy, but we can sure use it for God's glory. And you feel a lot better.
You can find the words here on their website:
http://www.mercyme.org/main/lyrics
I had my son in his wheelchair so we went up to the wheelchair spaces. I planned to sit in front of him on the bench. He was in the sun and it was very hot. My son is blonde and light skinned and burns easily. I tried moving into the shade and lost my seat. So I had to stand for most of the concert. Didn't help my attitude a lot. The first performers were "Tenth Avenue North" They were good but not thrilling especially since I was standing. Then Mercy Me came on. I know a lot of their songs so that helped to change my attitude as I got into the familiar music.
I don't remember what was said about the song "Bring the Rain," but whatever it was set me to thinking about the rain. My life is filled with it. I have been really angry I guess is a good word about my mother. At my ex-husband who in many ways precipitated the living arrangements by not paying child support regularly. At my mother for developing Alzheimer's. At myself for agreeing to buy a house with my mother knowing what could happen.
The anger spills over constantly into everything I say to my mother. She then becomes upset and wishes she were dead. And as a terrible daughter in my mind I think "I wish you were dead too." Can you imagine the guilt? If you are living with it probably you can.
Anyway, the song and what Mercy Me said really hit home. Do I just put up with it all? or do I find a way to glorify God through the rain? Listen to the song and pay attention to the words. Let them fill your spirit and change you for the better. The rain won't stop coming and it won't be easy, but we can sure use it for God's glory. And you feel a lot better.
You can find the words here on their website:
http://www.mercyme.org/main/lyrics
Monday, June 9, 2008
The Background
I am part of the sandwich generation. I care for my son and my mother. My son is 24 years old. He has Angelman Syndrome. I have been a single parent for more than 10 years. My mother and I bought a house together so that I could afford a place to live and because she was tired always. My mother was my backup. She was there for my son when he came home until I came home from work.
Shortly before my husband walked out my mother had signed up for a senior citizen place that had independent living, nursing home and was going to add assistive living. This was so that I would not have to worry about taking care of her if something happened. She moved in there but after a year decided that she was just too tired going back and forth between our places. I finally agreed to buy a house with her.
I'm now taking care of my mother too. We hoped it wouldn't happen but.... My mother is one of 10 children. She's the baby. Her oldest sister lived to be 90 something and always did very well. Another sister died years ago. She had some medical issues and was in a nursing home. After a while she began to develop memory issues. It was Alzheimer's.
Alzheimer's has a heredity component. A few years ago my mother was supposed to be going on a trip with another of her older sisters. Every time she called her to talk about it my aunt didn't remember the plans.
About two to three years ago my mother had to think through her travel routes when driving places. One Friday about two years ago she was asking me if she remembered right how to go to the doctor's office. She did. On Sunday she had no idea how to get there. I had to go with her on that Monday because she couldn't remember. He ordered tests to see if maybe she had a mini stroke. She hadn't.
So we are now two years into a disease that has a life expectancy of 8-10 years. I hate it. There are so many emotional issues involved. I can't even tell you how many times I have wished she would die. She has wished it many times too. Sometimes I hate her and want to put her in a nursing home and never see her again. Can you imagine the guilt? the anger? how I sometimes blame my ex-husband that I am in this situation? (child support problems helped force me into agreeing to move in with my mother) I have no patience. I get angry my mother gets angry. I constantly say things I shouldn't and then my mother either wishes she were dead or says she will move out. It's a terrible life. I have no life. I can't go anywhere except work without taking her with me. Even work she tries to lay on a guilt trip because she is left home all alone. I have a daughter. She's 22. She sees the way I am with my mother. It's hereditary. I will probably get Alzheimer's too. I wonder about it sometimes even now-but then again I don't get enough sleep (Angelman syndrome includes a sleep disorder) and of course the stress is great in my life. Both can cause memory problems. My daughter will have to take care of me. And her brother.
Well that's the background. Next, I'll explain the title of the blog.
Shortly before my husband walked out my mother had signed up for a senior citizen place that had independent living, nursing home and was going to add assistive living. This was so that I would not have to worry about taking care of her if something happened. She moved in there but after a year decided that she was just too tired going back and forth between our places. I finally agreed to buy a house with her.
I'm now taking care of my mother too. We hoped it wouldn't happen but.... My mother is one of 10 children. She's the baby. Her oldest sister lived to be 90 something and always did very well. Another sister died years ago. She had some medical issues and was in a nursing home. After a while she began to develop memory issues. It was Alzheimer's.
Alzheimer's has a heredity component. A few years ago my mother was supposed to be going on a trip with another of her older sisters. Every time she called her to talk about it my aunt didn't remember the plans.
About two to three years ago my mother had to think through her travel routes when driving places. One Friday about two years ago she was asking me if she remembered right how to go to the doctor's office. She did. On Sunday she had no idea how to get there. I had to go with her on that Monday because she couldn't remember. He ordered tests to see if maybe she had a mini stroke. She hadn't.
So we are now two years into a disease that has a life expectancy of 8-10 years. I hate it. There are so many emotional issues involved. I can't even tell you how many times I have wished she would die. She has wished it many times too. Sometimes I hate her and want to put her in a nursing home and never see her again. Can you imagine the guilt? the anger? how I sometimes blame my ex-husband that I am in this situation? (child support problems helped force me into agreeing to move in with my mother) I have no patience. I get angry my mother gets angry. I constantly say things I shouldn't and then my mother either wishes she were dead or says she will move out. It's a terrible life. I have no life. I can't go anywhere except work without taking her with me. Even work she tries to lay on a guilt trip because she is left home all alone. I have a daughter. She's 22. She sees the way I am with my mother. It's hereditary. I will probably get Alzheimer's too. I wonder about it sometimes even now-but then again I don't get enough sleep (Angelman syndrome includes a sleep disorder) and of course the stress is great in my life. Both can cause memory problems. My daughter will have to take care of me. And her brother.
Well that's the background. Next, I'll explain the title of the blog.
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